Alien

The first Alien flick came out in what, ’79…? These guys have been around so long you kind of get desensitized to ’em, but they really are creepy as f*ck. Proof that they out-monster even the classics: Would you rather be locked in a Coldstone Creamery with one of those things or the Wolfman? Easy, you’d go with the Wolfman every time. Wolves, likes dogs, are canines and canines are powerless before ice cream. I’ve seen a German Shepperd turn on an entire family for the drippy remains of a single ice cream cone. You could distract the Wolfman with one handful of rocky road and make good your escape while the Alien would just slap it out of your hand and spit-glue you to the soft serve machine.

Tough to transition from that rant to Heroclix figures, so we’ll just jump right in…

As part of the HorrorClix line (think Heroclix but with 80% more dismemberments), WizKids released the Alien Queen and a buttload of alien drones. Some minor figure modding , a little dial tweaking and I felt they fit in better with my spandexed ‘Clix. Let’s get the ball rolling with the Big Momma…

Alien Queen

The Queen originally came as part of an over-sized base that ate up four sections of the map, but I thought that a bit unwieldy. I x-acto’d her offa that and Krazy Glued her to a double-wide, a base similar to figs like Marvel’s Lockjaw or DC’s Chronos. The modding didn’t end there as I played God and redid all her powers…

A quick peek under her dial and we see that the Queen can stymie opponents by masterminding incoming attacks to her faithful drones (they’re like popcorn that way). Even in death the Queen can win you the game; when she’s KO’d, all them sizzling juices she’s got inside splash all adjacent non-Aliens for 1 damage.

Queenie’s most entertaining power…? Whenever you KO an opponent’s figure, that fig is replaced by an Alien Egg. Why is that a good thing? Scroll down a bit to the “Alien Egg” section and see why that’ll ruin Hudson’s day.

Her box stat grants her the terribly unpleasant Charge/Super Strength combo, so feel free to smash through walls or overturn cars before ripping opposing synthetics artificial persons in half.

Lots of Leap/Climb so the Queen can scale walls, deep defenses like Impervious, Invulnerable and Toughness to survive bumpy elevator rides and when her snapping jaw gets blowtorched, switch to her tail (Blades) to deliver a messy KO. Full Alien Queen dial here.

Alien Egg

These spuds may the least dynamic of the Alien figures. They came molded to the Alien Queen’s original, oversized base, but some minor chopping, a bit of Krazy Glue and VOILÀ, lil’ baby egg sacks for you to cherish and love. And hey, what they lack in visual bells & whistles they make up for by adding tremendous tension to the game by forcing opponents to shift strategies and race against a countdown clock…

See, whenever the Alien Queen KO’s an opponent’s figure, that figure is replaced with an egg. At the start of the Alien player’s turn, the egg begins counting down. After three turns *SPLORCH!*, replace the egg with an Alien Drone under the control of the Alien player. Yeah, kind of crazy, but it’s fun watching players either trying to save a kill for the Alien Queen so she lays an egg OR–for the opposing players–having to constantly switch their gameplan to deal with the slimy, pulsating presents the Queen keeps squirting out onto the battlefield. Full Alien Egg dial here.

A’ight, gonna take a quick break from all the Alien ‘Clix stuff to freak out for a sec: I had no idea this (deleted) scene existed in “Aliens”…

That’s Ripley at the end of the movie when she’s running around and looking for Newt when D’OH!, she bumps into a still-breathing Burke phlegmed to a wall. He whimpers about being impregnated, Ripley–disgusted that “Mad About You” went on for seven seasons–hands him a grenade and continues on her search.

That’s crazy. “Aliens” is my favorite flick of all time and I didn’t know that moment existed up until a few weeks ago. MADNESS! Also, it’s a dumb scene and I’m glad it got the boot.

Moving on…

Alien Drones

Ugh…THESE guys. As ferociously unpleasant as the drones were in “Aliens,” James Cameron also pulled off the neat trick of making them irresistibly squishable. As terrifying as they were, you also wanted to put on a big honkin’ pair of boots and stomp ’em like bugs. They’re almost–ALMOST–as mashable as these little f*ckers.

HeroClix figures can be hit-or-miss sculpt-wise, but the entire Aliens line is top notch. Loads of itty-bitty detailing…

…plus there’s seven different drone sculpts to choose from. Army-building a team entirely of these critters gets you a diverse looking squad.

Not a deep dial on the drones, but that’s done on purpose to keep their point value down. This way you can take a buttload of these guys; where’s the fun in playing ONE Alien? One of the great joys in life is making like ants on the Discovery Channel and swarming an opponent.

To make up for the shallow dial, each click packs a nasty punch. Stealth for sneakin’ around, Leap/Climb for climbing around walls, Blades for an unpredictable bite/tail strike and a Toughness/Agility combo to make your opponent’s attack anything but a sure thing. The drone’s box power combines Battle Fury to protect against mind control attacks while Charge lets your Alien squad stay on the offensive.

But wait, there’s more! Yeah, yeah, I know…this is a lot of powers for one figure. Trick is whenever I mod a figure (or dial), my primary goal is to get the “feel” of the figure right and not sweat the laundry list of rules. I want my Aliens to play as Aliens. Anyway, when a drone pops they–like the Queen–splash all adjacent non-Aliens for a 1 damage acid bath. Their final power helps the swarm tactics that make these little muchachos so much fun to play: every drone action counts as a “half action,” so two drones performing any action only counts as one of their controlling player’s actions. Haha, GET ‘IM! Full Alien Drone dial here.

AvP: King of Kong

I can’t decide what the two aliens on the right side of the above photo are looking at it; is it the severed head of their buddy impaled on the end of the Predator’s staff OR is it the crazy high-score that one Predator just racked up on Donkey Kong? Also, the “it ate my last dollar” pose on the Predator at far left is heart breaking.

Before I go, some random Alien stuff from around the web…

Okay, who’s hungry? You can have a slice of this wonderfully bloody chestburster cake, a helping of this excellent egg pod/facehugger desert OR figure out how to cut a piece out of this impossibly cool standing Alien cake. ALSO: Pez.

Play time! You wanna be the Lego Power Loader or this awesome origami Alien?

Dress up! Two very spiffy Alien costume here and here, plus check out this wicked cool full-body Alien Queen marionette costume.

Adorable! I can’t tell if this is more clever than it is cute or more cute than it is clever. Whatever the case, I love it: Alien nesting doll.

Funny booksl! I never even knew this existed–the Heavy Metal Alien comic book adaption by Archie Goodwin & Walt Simonson.

And finally, some Alien vs. Predator nonsense. There’s their mean-spirited bathroom encounter, why you can never trust an Alien at poker and their ultimate showdown: AvP chess, pool and swingball.